追尋自由

——“天安門六四”與“柏林牆崩潰”二十週年音樂燭光晚會結束語

杨逢時

二十年前五月的一天﹐就在北京下達戒嚴令的時候﹐我正坐在芝加哥大學古老典雅的音樂廳內思緒紛亂地等待著我的作品的首演。或許是偶然的巧合﹐或許是心靈的感應﹐作品的標題——“追尋”——恰如其分地吻合了我當時的心境。就在我向演奏家們握手致謝的那一刻﹐我似乎突然明白了追尋的含義。——自由﹐是藝術的基石﹔自由﹐是生命的靈魂。腳下的這片土地為每一顆自由的種子慷慨奉獻了充足的養分﹐可在萬里之外我的故國﹐回答自由呼聲的卻是坦克與槍彈。

接下來的五個月我幾乎天天在悲憤與失落中度過。然而﹐一條橫貫歐亞的地震帶奇跡般地傳遞了六月的火種﹐象征著共產主義圍堵自由的柏林牆在十一月的一個深秋之夜土崩瓦解。我含淚傾聽了我所崇敬的前蘇聯大提琴家羅斯托科維奇在殘牆斷壁下的演奏﹐仿彿是他在用音樂告訴我他一生追尋自由的心路歷程。長達十六年的流亡生涯並未使他屈從強權。他公開聲言﹐儘管思念家鄉, 作為一個藝術家﹐只要一天得不到應有的自由﹐他就一天不回國。柏林牆的崩潰是他新生命的開始﹐在被高牆隔絕的人民重新團聚的那一天﹐他在牆下用一曲古老的巴哈奏鳴曲與無數為追求自由而喪生的亡靈交談。第二年﹐在終於可以回國的前夜﹐他說﹐我要從飛機場直接去墓地﹐為死去的朋友們哭泣。

今天﹐柏林牆已蕩然無存﹐而至今高掛著毛像的紅牆依然聳立。羅斯托科維奇在流亡十六年後終返回了祖國﹐而我已有整整十六年沒有踏上家鄉的土地。兩個星期前﹐我深愛的母親在上海突然去世﹐但願母親能原諒我失去了和她永別的機會……我期待﹐當北京的柏林牆倒塌的那一天﹐我也能像羅斯托科維奇那樣回到我的故國﹐在天安門的城牆下為爭得了自由的億萬同胞演奏我的“自由頌”。到那時﹐我相信, 所有不屈的流亡者們都能有尊嚴地回到養育了我們的那片土地上﹐共同奏響生命與自由的樂章。

Longing for Freedom
Closing remarks at The 20th Anniversary Memorial Concert of
“Tiananmen June 4th” and “The Fall of the Berlin Wall” by Fengshi Yang

5/31/09

This evening we are remembering an event -- a longing for freedom. It was twenty years ago. In biblical terms one generation has passed. In personal terms, I was sitting in Mandel Hall at the University of Chicago that mid May twenty years ago when martial law was declared in Beijing. My life as a student and composer was being enriched by a fantastic performance of wonderful musicians. They were making my composition, entitled "Longing," come alive for the audience. I was trembling because I longed to be with my fellow Chinese students. Something of great importance was on the verge of happening we thought. I was longing for freedom to take root and grow in the land that gave birth to me. Freedom is the corner stone of the arts; freedom is the soul of life. The land I am standing on has given abundant nourishment for each seed’s endeavor for liberty. Yet, twenty years ago, the answer to that call for freedom from the other side of the earth was an assault by tanks and guns…

In the following 5 months, I felt lost -- like a leaf floating in the ocean. However, a chain of “earthquakes” happening across Europe and Asia surprisingly conveyed a seed of inspiration from that June day; the Wall which symbolized communism’s cutting off freedom suddenly collapsed in the middle of the night in that autumn. I listened tearfully to the former Soviet Union cellist Rostropovich’s playing at the Berlin Wall. It felt as if he were telling me of his life’s longing for freedom through music. During 16 years in exile, Rostropovich never surrendered to the oppressive powers regardless of the hardships. The fall of the Berlin Wall was the beginning of his new life. On the day people separated by the wall were reunited, he played J.S. Bach's Unaccompanied Cello Sonatas at the wall to communicate with the souls of those lost for the sake of freedom.

Today the Iron Curtain has fallen, the Berlin Wall is gone. But, It is sad for us and for the world that the portrait of Mao still hangs high on the Tiananmen gate... Rostropovich finally returned to Russia after 16 years in exile; BUT, I, for 16 years now, I still have not touched the soil of China. Two weeks ago, my dearest mother passed away suddenly in Shanghai. I pray my mom will forgive me for not saying a final good-bye at her side… I hope, when the time comes for this “Chinese Berlin Wall" to fall, that like Rostropovich, I will also be able to return to my homeland to play my music, “Ode to Freedom” at the Tiananmen Gate for the millions and millions of my brothers and sisters there. At that time, I believe all the Chinese exiles who seek freedom will be able go back to their homes with dignity, and let freedom truly ring in our beloved homeland, and in every corner of the world.

原载〈观察〉